igMind notes
Jethro scene: need more context around dialogue, like noting that they have stood up from there chess game when they move into dream. At end of dream, Isaac sits in the grass, but they are supposed to still be in dorm room.
Fix Jethro’s accent.
This is second reference to an Nother formerly – operated student. Would still like to hear more about the student. Jethro must be friends with him or her.
Foreshadowing about last real – person chess game a little heavy-handed.
Isaac’s “lazy vac” comment unclear.
Isaac’s “oh, so it’s not a cult” comment too obvious.
Jethro should look nervous or hesitate before offering to show Isaac his dream.
Bob gun scene
When Bob says drive, should indicate that Roman did so.
Isaac saw Roman had not wanted to betray him. Him being Isaac or Bob?
Goopple
Don’t understand paragraph that starts “It was like staring at a subtle warpage in space time.”
“Isaac slipped into the audience” was a little abrupt when reader doesnt know this is a thing. But then cool how he can shut off metemotional data.
When goopple exec starts, sounds like he is talking too a less-versed audience than a group of creatives from his own company.
Generally, goopple exec’s remarks come off as formal and prepared, not a talk you’d give to a small group of insiders grabbing muffins. Maybe have him give this speech to an audience in an auditorium? Maybe they gathered top thinkers in the field from around the world.
Sentence about three dimensional drone shot: what?
A dragon raised its head: what? I think I see what you mean, but might clarify.
Need more description of what speaker and others are doing.
Isaac’s comment “fascinating” doesn’t work.
Next couple of scenes (bookseller and dan) seem disconnected. Too much jumping without context.